Imitation Game

I am a picture of normalcy

I look content, I smile and I’ll laugh at your jokes

I make my own because happiness is the best part of the day

All I wanted when I was having a bad day was for someone to make me laugh even if they didn’t know I was in a hole.

But how I wish I could wake up one day…

and be normal.

Cut free from the cables of mental illness

No longer held prisoner in its negative restraints

So, why is it glamorized?

Why do some feel as if soldiering in this destructive war makes them special?

Or do they lack the potential to set themselves apart in other ways?

So quick to say their lives are bad when they are more fortunate than many.

Stories of trauma made up to match others.

Spitting on the mirror of everyone who has endured hell.

And more.

Middle of Nowhere

I’m on a plane of self loathing that I can’t begin to explain

I could tell you what I’m thinking but these insecurities have a face and a name

They float around in the cacophony of my head

Endless, overlapping voices that just won’t let me rest

Cracking under the beams thrown so carelessly across my back

Trying to find home in these cascading mountains

But I can’t pinpoint where I’m at on this map.

Locked

It’s funny… you got your dream.

Is it what you thought?

Did it make you whole?

Did it mend your jigsaw soul?

You saw yourself in the mirror,

and it’s the same you.

You thought you’d look in there…

and see something other than that fool.

How pathetic you are.

Your high hopes.

Your dreams.

Your self imposed destiny.

You thought you had the key…

But everything you so desire,

is locked from the inside.

Stay

Lift me up so my lips can touch the moon

Build a ladder tall enough, beautiful cause I need to start going if I’m going to get there soon

Intricate knots of stardust encircles the veins around my neck

Tied so delicate over my knotted veins

Enraging the haze that’s setttled prominently over my brain

Laced through with colors, numbing nerve endings

An eternity of want that I’ll be trading

Internal implode of this mortal anomaly

So many stories… universe destroyed in this tragic odyssey

One last breath before the oxygen gives way..

I would live this lifetime with you a million times if it meant I was yours… and you were here to stay.

Glass House

The smoke swirled, entwined like I crave for your body to be around mine

Dancing, swirling in perfect harmony

Shifting in crystalline air, like the frost that coats my lungs

A castle of glass resurrected around that infernal organ

Just for you to throw rocks and watch the light show rain down

Slivers of glass, hard gemstones of snow.

Shredding thorns and the arteries hardened by a thousand goodbyes

Casting stones at glass houses and expecting not to walk away with bruises.

Cool wind kisses my skin.

Like the gentle caress of your careful fingertips.

Once you shatter these walls, all is not lost.

We will rebuild a home of our own.

Rapture

My monsters are quiet.

Their roars and horrible words dissolved into a fine mist of fresh fallen snow

Demons run off back to the shadows, refusing to throw any more killing blows.

Wounded by the bullets, the storm of frost that wrecked their forces.

A ceasefire, a surrender, an agreement to divorce.

Shadow men are hushed, ran off to the deepest corners.

But there’s a blizzard outside and my insides have surely frozen.

I ran a fool’s errand.

Believing the devil when he snarled and said he was breeding heirs.

I lied and laughed in his face. Called him a liar. The master of deceivers.

He’s made a home in my head, down to my bones, fooling me like he’s Julius Caesar.

“Unleash the hellhounds.”

“Put barbed wire in her mouth, cut her tongue so she doesn’t make a sound.”

The ropes cut into my skin, vicious thorns tearing veins.

Rebelling against his army. His array of decrepit soldiers.

His infinite knowledge on how to break my composure.

I am the land they wish to conquer.

Because every time I drive them back, I build my kingdom stronger.

They don’t know I’ve broken out, I’m the only insurgent.

Rocketing towards the burning star, my only light merchant.

Warning Signs

Cover your eyes, put your hood over your head

Don’t let anyone know you just slipped out of my bed

Hit the ground running, don’t be looking back

This is a one time thing.. but it’ll be more if we’re looking at facts

Don’t you see it’s not fine

Don’t you see it’s nothing good

Don’t you see me

Don’t you see all the warning signs?

Tell your friends you’re still waiting

sitting up with me at night

One of us always running

Trapped in a battle with my own army

Lost in the mountains and your eyes all stormy

Don’t you see it’s not fine

Don’t you see it’s nothing good

Don’t you see me out running

And daring you because you never would

Sitting out in winter air

Mountain snow drifting all around

The moon’s rising and we both know I love you

But the face in the sky is why I’m staring

Lost in my own mind

Somewhere she’s not to be found

Don’t you see it’s not fine

Don’t you see it’s impossible

Don’t you see me trying to outrun it

Don’t you see I’m not winning at all

No Calls

It’s 1 a.m I’m lying in this bed and you’re hundreds of miles away

I can’t call, I can’t hear your voice when I need it…

Long waited replies and I’m slowly drowning

Dying before anything can really happen.

I can’t call,

you wouldn’t answer.

There’s a hole in my chest,

and I’d rather be dead than to feel anything at all. Especially this again.

Shredding tendons and spilling blood,

it doesn’t clot anymore,

it can’t tell the difference between ‘for now’ and love

Do you think of me? Or are there others?

Am I your only or a just for now lover?

Sleep sweet, my love. I hope you are.

I can’t call.

And maybe that’s best so you don’t know what I’m feeling,

Better so I don’t hear your voice…

So I can stay away from this deadly fall.

Cardiac Arrest

I didn’t think I had a heart.

That beating contraption, caged inside, reminding me that I am very much alive.

Until mine started bleeding….

pouring crimson into the vestiges of my shadowed soul.

The purpose for its beat… ripped so savagely away.

Thorns unknowingly, wrapped so carefully and viciously…

Shredding the very cardiac muscle that I swore I didn’t have.

The reason for its beat…

ripped away, slaughtering tendons and arteries.

Spurting life source…

damning my soul…

stealing the very light from my darkened eyes.

Fake It, Come Home

I feel like I’m going nowhere,

a mouse trapped in a maze,

running an impossible race.

But really, each day is the same.

Frozen in time, lost in a fog,

wondering when it all stops.

Because damn, hasn’t it been a little too long?

I keep the ones in the dark,

not knowing I started back.

But I’m an actor.

I can play just about any part.

Bury me, let it all go.

Because, God…

I need to know where to find home.

Stakes

Tell me where to go.

For that, I’ll give you a piece of my soul.

I know it’s not much,

It’s not a payment that even a beggar would accept.

I fell down… down… down a million steps.

I didn’t fall down a rabbit hole,

I fell into a Chinese bamboo trap.

Fallen onto sharpened knives, shredded and mutilated.

Clawing at dirt on the sides of this hole..

Tearing away fingernails, throat raw from screaming.

Passerby’s wave, like they think I’m okay when I’m bleeding.

It’s leaking out, seeping.

Staining my skin… the lives I’m in.

Let the stakes stay in, don’t pull them out.

Let them all gather round. Look down at me.

Gasping for breath and the final smile I’ll have, knowing I finally have peace

Love; A Lesson

I have a couple of facts for you.

1. I am 5 foot 7

2. I have a family I created myself when my own grew too small and walls were built

3. If you hold onto love too tightly, it can break you in the worst of ways and cut you like razor blades

I grew up poor but didn’t think of it that way.

My dad was always gone and my mama worked three jobs.

I have a brother who assumed the role of protector, teacher and provider

One of my favorite memories of him was when I came across a salesman, selling pens and notebooks with all of these things inside

I went home and my brother had been in a bad mood that day and I was scared he would be mad at me

But instead of having stern words of ‘Go away, not happening’ like those of my father..

A grin stretched across his face and not even ten minutes later, I was sitting across from him filling page after page

I created worlds and let words flow like the wind as he sat back and looked

He said ‘you’re going to do great things one day’

His words stuck with me. Because even in the dark days, hazed over by smoky mists of drugs and regrets,

I still hear him inside my head.

I’ve lost the people I love most.

A blackened disease swooped in and stole my mama away

Bullets to the brain, alcohol and magic pills, a rope necklace… they all made sure they wouldn’t make it another day.

Though I have tried, I have felt the hollowed out cavity of my chest and been so sure that it’s empty.

I’ve filled that empty space with numbing agents and every way to take away the pain

I’ve torn my skin to ribbons, created a myriad of patterns in hope to let the torture inside my mind out in a physical way.

I’ve watched them all go away, I’ve watched everyone leave.

But I’ve learned something simple, though, it’s taken years.

Love is inevitable. Along with the hurt that comes with it.

It cuts deep when it beats you up and they’re all long gone.

You can’t trade one hurt for another.

I can’t trade my 5’7 for your 6 foot because just like love, it’s not possible to trade away.

But love, I’ve learned, puts pieces back together and even though it wields razors, knives and every kind of blade..

Is worth it in the darkest of places.

Under Siege

There’s so much inside,

So many things I can’t name.

All of these demons, these monsters that just won’t die.

They don’t tear me apart all at once,

But slowly piece by piece.

Clawing at the caverns of my heart, the core of my brain until I can’t sleep.

Wearing away the vestiges of my soul, everything that makes me, me.

Snuffing out the embers that burned so bright.

Stealing memories, making me question who I’m supposed to be

A glow is different than a wildfire that destroys and chars everything

Thank the shadow monsters, covered in my blood, and the war chant that they sing.

Hell

There’s a gray haze over my eyes

Slowing turning to black

Dragging me all the way down and back

Back to my old cellar, my old room, my dungeon chamber

The walls don’t matter

There’s a mat in the corner

Just a confined palace to lay my mind down for a few hours

I’ll re-emerge from my basement of horrors

The place I know so well

Only because i don’t know it,

but it’s my own little version of hell