Rapture

My monsters are quiet.

Their roars and horrible words dissolved into a fine mist of fresh fallen snow

Demons run off back to the shadows, refusing to throw any more killing blows.

Wounded by the bullets, the storm of frost that wrecked their forces.

A ceasefire, a surrender, an agreement to divorce.

Shadow men are hushed, ran off to the deepest corners.

But there’s a blizzard outside and my insides have surely frozen.

I ran a fool’s errand.

Believing the devil when he snarled and said he was breeding heirs.

I lied and laughed in his face. Called him a liar. The master of deceivers.

He’s made a home in my head, down to my bones, fooling me like he’s Julius Caesar.

“Unleash the hellhounds.”

“Put barbed wire in her mouth, cut her tongue so she doesn’t make a sound.”

The ropes cut into my skin, vicious thorns tearing veins.

Rebelling against his army. His array of decrepit soldiers.

His infinite knowledge on how to break my composure.

I am the land they wish to conquer.

Because every time I drive them back, I build my kingdom stronger.

They don’t know I’ve broken out, I’m the only insurgent.

Rocketing towards the burning star, my only light merchant.

House of Shadows

Crows gather on the rooftop, never expecting guests.

They’ve taken over ever since the first owner left.

The shingles are falling down

Cascading tides down a collapsing foundation.

The gutters are hanging on by a thread,

some of the windows are missing glass.

If you go in, be careful, the front door is an invitation to the past.

Swung wide open, chipped paint on a one hinged door,

take a step in and keep your eyes on the floor.

There’s nails like tiny swords drawn against tender feet,

and there’s beds in all of these empty rooms where everything has been done but sleep.

There’s holes in the walls.

Can you picture it?

Dejected hands hammering into oak wood and plaster, swinging until they bleed.

Maybe you could catch a glimpse and see all of this anger in me.

Cracks across granite countertops, and my words wallpaper the entirety,

Laughing demons and cunning monsters laughing in the face of sobriety.

The gargoyles keep their eyes turned to the ground,

protectors no more with no one worth the effort around.

When will this house of shadows, this cruel picture of ruin, finally be condemned?

The walls are crumbling, a ceiling caving in, this house of shadows is no longer mine to defend.

Hear the footsteps echoing down these empty halls.

Imagine all of the artwork that used to adorn these patchwork walls.

If you look closely… straight ahead, you might be able to see through the murky windows of the skylight

You might be able to see the ghost of me before I gave up the fight.

Warning Signs

Cover your eyes, put your hood over your head

Don’t let anyone know you just slipped out of my bed

Hit the ground running, don’t be looking back

This is a one time thing.. but it’ll be more if we’re looking at facts

Don’t you see it’s not fine

Don’t you see it’s nothing good

Don’t you see me

Don’t you see all the warning signs?

Tell your friends you’re still waiting

sitting up with me at night

One of us always running

Trapped in a battle with my own army

Lost in the mountains and your eyes all stormy

Don’t you see it’s not fine

Don’t you see it’s nothing good

Don’t you see me out running

And daring you because you never would

Sitting out in winter air

Mountain snow drifting all around

The moon’s rising and we both know I love you

But the face in the sky is why I’m staring

Lost in my own mind

Somewhere she’s not to be found

Don’t you see it’s not fine

Don’t you see it’s impossible

Don’t you see me trying to outrun it

Don’t you see I’m not winning at all

Uncharted

It’s filled with ichor, turpentine floors and WD-40 doors

Dripping black across the rope knots

The impossible obstacle course that I can’t cross

Deep inside this swamp jungle, I’m stuck in the mountains; white out conditions

Scream and scream.. bust your vocal chords in hopes that someone will hear. That someone will listen

The blizzard drowns out every sound

Muffling SOS calls so the explorers aren’t found.

Uncharted territory, this is dangerous land

But you know the map. Don’t you? Don’t you?

Or did you get lost through the jungle and can’t even pinpoint exactly where you stand?

The bobcats chased you, the owls’ talons out, ripping out your spine

Leaving bloody remnants, torn apart hope, for someone else to find.

This hellish land… this exile of mine

Yes, I know the map. I don’t know the way out.

Because it’s the inside of my mind.

Eclipse

I look at the sky and smile.

I’m staring at the same moon as you.

I have spacewalked for eternity,

and finally found a world where demons are banished..

and the broken and scarred, rule.

My wings were seared, fractured and bent..

I flew too closely to the sun.

Singed feathers, fallen to Hell,

no… no, I am not heaven sent.

Buried in ashes, gasping for air.

I see a gentle sunset, meeting the moon; something rare.

Breaking apart my cell door.

She’s like me… but so much more.

Fragmented into shards of crystals,

she is shining.

She is ethereal light.

Threading sunshine through my corroded veins,

and the shadows don’t dare make a fight.

Meeting after long last..

So much time spent apart,

but finally united…

interlocking souls, securing forever, with one kiss.

And the universe stood in awe of the eclipse.

No Calls

It’s 1 a.m I’m lying in this bed and you’re hundreds of miles away

I can’t call, I can’t hear your voice when I need it…

Long waited replies and I’m slowly drowning

Dying before anything can really happen.

I can’t call,

you wouldn’t answer.

There’s a hole in my chest,

and I’d rather be dead than to feel anything at all. Especially this again.

Shredding tendons and spilling blood,

it doesn’t clot anymore,

it can’t tell the difference between ‘for now’ and love

Do you think of me? Or are there others?

Am I your only or a just for now lover?

Sleep sweet, my love. I hope you are.

I can’t call.

And maybe that’s best so you don’t know what I’m feeling,

Better so I don’t hear your voice…

So I can stay away from this deadly fall.

Cardiac Arrest

I didn’t think I had a heart.

That beating contraption, caged inside, reminding me that I am very much alive.

Until mine started bleeding….

pouring crimson into the vestiges of my shadowed soul.

The purpose for its beat… ripped so savagely away.

Thorns unknowingly, wrapped so carefully and viciously…

Shredding the very cardiac muscle that I swore I didn’t have.

The reason for its beat…

ripped away, slaughtering tendons and arteries.

Spurting life source…

damning my soul…

stealing the very light from my darkened eyes.

Lone Wolf

You. Just you.

Haggard and weary.

Trapped in the motions and shards of a broken dream.

Pieces fragmented into the phases of the moon.

You throw your head back and howl,

but you’re pacing the worn out floors of a locked room.

The sound… the piercing, mournful bell toll of night.

Begging for her pack… her mate… that she doesn’t even know.

Watching the sky forever.

Even if she could escape that room,

would she even have anywhere to go?

26

I hate the number.

I hate the sound it makes between my clenched teeth.

An omen.

Foreboding to continuing madness.

But that’s not what this is about… no.

This is about… presents.

Make me forget who I am.

Who I’ve become.

Strip away the scars,

the gouges in my skin.

Pull up the stains,

bust open the basement door.

Because that’s the only way you’ll be let in.

My mansion is crumbling,

shambles for stairs.

Words on the walls,

littering the floor.

A demon hiding behind an immaculate door.

Beg God to give me the will to live.

On my knees, like a proper catholic.

Screaming my sins like I don’t already breathe them.

Give me a gift.. for my special day.

Give me the gift… where the wickedness goes…

and the hope for me…

stays.

Fake It, Come Home

I feel like I’m going nowhere,

a mouse trapped in a maze,

running an impossible race.

But really, each day is the same.

Frozen in time, lost in a fog,

wondering when it all stops.

Because damn, hasn’t it been a little too long?

I keep the ones in the dark,

not knowing I started back.

But I’m an actor.

I can play just about any part.

Bury me, let it all go.

Because, God…

I need to know where to find home.

Stakes

Tell me where to go.

For that, I’ll give you a piece of my soul.

I know it’s not much,

It’s not a payment that even a beggar would accept.

I fell down… down… down a million steps.

I didn’t fall down a rabbit hole,

I fell into a Chinese bamboo trap.

Fallen onto sharpened knives, shredded and mutilated.

Clawing at dirt on the sides of this hole..

Tearing away fingernails, throat raw from screaming.

Passerby’s wave, like they think I’m okay when I’m bleeding.

It’s leaking out, seeping.

Staining my skin… the lives I’m in.

Let the stakes stay in, don’t pull them out.

Let them all gather round. Look down at me.

Gasping for breath and the final smile I’ll have, knowing I finally have peace

Tell Me

Tell me all your stories, your present and your past

I’ll show you the darkness in my head and the shadows that always last

You can tell me about all the ones who hurt you

I can tell you why I always run from good and new

Something I’ve never had before

You can sit back and say ‘baby, you deserve more’

Tell me how you done it

Tell me how you broke in

Tell me how you tore the walls down

Tell me why I can tell that you love me

Tell me how you can love somebody like me

Tell me all the things you see

Tell me if it’s true

Tell me if you believe in forever with me

I can’t stop pushing you out and away

Can’t admit that it scares me

To know that you have all the ammo and I have the knowing of how it could be

I know you get it, I know you’ve felt the same thing

You had the worst when you deserved queens and kings

You were trapped in hell, mortal disaster

All I ever think is ‘god, why couldn’t I have met you faster’

I didn’t think it was possible

To love someone at all, in any way…

but here I am laying in your bed and

Running circles in my head,

Praying god hears me when I beg for you to stay

I’ll tell you you’re the one

You broke it all down

Now, baby just you and me

Wreck this town and enjoy all of the little things

Love; A Lesson

I have a couple of facts for you.

1. I am 5 foot 7

2. I have a family I created myself when my own grew too small and walls were built

3. If you hold onto love too tightly, it can break you in the worst of ways and cut you like razor blades

I grew up poor but didn’t think of it that way.

My dad was always gone and my mama worked three jobs.

I have a brother who assumed the role of protector, teacher and provider

One of my favorite memories of him was when I came across a salesman, selling pens and notebooks with all of these things inside

I went home and my brother had been in a bad mood that day and I was scared he would be mad at me

But instead of having stern words of ‘Go away, not happening’ like those of my father..

A grin stretched across his face and not even ten minutes later, I was sitting across from him filling page after page

I created worlds and let words flow like the wind as he sat back and looked

He said ‘you’re going to do great things one day’

His words stuck with me. Because even in the dark days, hazed over by smoky mists of drugs and regrets,

I still hear him inside my head.

I’ve lost the people I love most.

A blackened disease swooped in and stole my mama away

Bullets to the brain, alcohol and magic pills, a rope necklace… they all made sure they wouldn’t make it another day.

Though I have tried, I have felt the hollowed out cavity of my chest and been so sure that it’s empty.

I’ve filled that empty space with numbing agents and every way to take away the pain

I’ve torn my skin to ribbons, created a myriad of patterns in hope to let the torture inside my mind out in a physical way.

I’ve watched them all go away, I’ve watched everyone leave.

But I’ve learned something simple, though, it’s taken years.

Love is inevitable. Along with the hurt that comes with it.

It cuts deep when it beats you up and they’re all long gone.

You can’t trade one hurt for another.

I can’t trade my 5’7 for your 6 foot because just like love, it’s not possible to trade away.

But love, I’ve learned, puts pieces back together and even though it wields razors, knives and every kind of blade..

Is worth it in the darkest of places.

Under Siege

There’s so much inside,

So many things I can’t name.

All of these demons, these monsters that just won’t die.

They don’t tear me apart all at once,

But slowly piece by piece.

Clawing at the caverns of my heart, the core of my brain until I can’t sleep.

Wearing away the vestiges of my soul, everything that makes me, me.

Snuffing out the embers that burned so bright.

Stealing memories, making me question who I’m supposed to be

A glow is different than a wildfire that destroys and chars everything

Thank the shadow monsters, covered in my blood, and the war chant that they sing.

Hell

There’s a gray haze over my eyes

Slowing turning to black

Dragging me all the way down and back

Back to my old cellar, my old room, my dungeon chamber

The walls don’t matter

There’s a mat in the corner

Just a confined palace to lay my mind down for a few hours

I’ll re-emerge from my basement of horrors

The place I know so well

Only because i don’t know it,

but it’s my own little version of hell