I have a couple of facts for you.
1. I am 5 foot 7
2. I have a family I created myself when my own grew too small and walls were built
3. If you hold onto love too tightly, it can break you in the worst of ways and cut you like razor blades
I grew up poor but didn’t think of it that way.
My dad was always gone and my mama worked three jobs.
I have a brother who assumed the role of protector, teacher and provider
One of my favorite memories of him was when I came across a salesman, selling pens and notebooks with all of these things inside
I went home and my brother had been in a bad mood that day and I was scared he would be mad at me
But instead of having stern words of ‘Go away, not happening’ like those of my father..
A grin stretched across his face and not even ten minutes later, I was sitting across from him filling page after page
I created worlds and let words flow like the wind as he sat back and looked
He said ‘you’re going to do great things one day’
His words stuck with me. Because even in the dark days, hazed over by smoky mists of drugs and regrets,
I still hear him inside my head.
I’ve lost the people I love most.
A blackened disease swooped in and stole my mama away
Bullets to the brain, alcohol and magic pills, a rope necklace… they all made sure they wouldn’t make it another day.
Though I have tried, I have felt the hollowed out cavity of my chest and been so sure that it’s empty.
I’ve filled that empty space with numbing agents and every way to take away the pain
I’ve torn my skin to ribbons, created a myriad of patterns in hope to let the torture inside my mind out in a physical way.
I’ve watched them all go away, I’ve watched everyone leave.
But I’ve learned something simple, though, it’s taken years.
Love is inevitable. Along with the hurt that comes with it.
It cuts deep when it beats you up and they’re all long gone.
You can’t trade one hurt for another.
I can’t trade my 5’7 for your 6 foot because just like love, it’s not possible to trade away.
But love, I’ve learned, puts pieces back together and even though it wields razors, knives and every kind of blade..
Is worth it in the darkest of places.